Impressions after
camp
So the kids are gone. Gone for the session, gone
for the summer, maybe gone forever...
I feel... I dunno... my feelings are so mixed, so intense
though so suppressed. One feeling, but not the first one is definitely happiness.
I am happy that the kids are gone, that I don't have to command them, yell
at them, watch them, supervise them and impose punishments on them that I
have to enforce also in order to keep my respect. I am happy because I can
be myself now without worrying what the kids would think, or to check where
the kids are anyway.
But I am sad, too. I am sad that I probably won't see
lots of the people again that I met and started to love here. People that
really helped me to survive here like Johnny who always was calm and much
more forgiving to the children that I could have ever been. Or like the Sioux
counselors who accepted me like I was and thus helped me a lot to get respect
from the children.
And I am sad, really sad that I can't see
the laughs, the really beautiful smiles on the faces of the children. I probably
will never forget Mariah and her shy look at the first day or certainly not
Catherine from the 4th session who sat on my table and was just,
well cute is the wrong word, maybe adorable, respectable, innocent, hearty.
She was shy too, but witty somehow and smart. No, mature is better, being
eight years old and just, I dunno... I loved her. I would have done a lot
for her. Living in Saratoga, coming with one small bag of clothes, but still
smiling at the world, smiling at me for making her laugh was probably the
main reason why I don't regret but rather appreciated my coming here...
The main and first feeling though seems to be relief.
I did not know what to expect when I first came here and I had a lot of fears,
like not being able to cope with the kids or not getting along with the other
staff members, but I learnt. I feel like having learnt to deal with the children
time after time. I did not become a master, but I really feel like I have
improved. Acting cool was mainly the key.
I am so relieved that I was able to get through so many
new and challenging situations. Inside I still feel like 16, 17 but I turned
19 here. I feel like a kid that has to handle adult stuff. And the more stuff
I do the more I seem to break in the real world from which I will never be
able to turn away from.
I simply do not want to realize that I am not a kid
anymore.
© 1999 robert kneschke
This is an entry from my diary dated August 23rd
1999 at 11:30 pm. It was the evening of the day the kids 4th session
left.
